Friday, January 09, 2004

Troy (Or Homer with wieners)


Ok, I watched Troy. I'm not sure why.

It's not a very good movie.

I know, I know. You're going to get worked up and think I'm saying it didn't size up well to The Iliad, which it doesn't. But, no, it's a bad movie of its own.

A lot of the problem is, however, that they do want to make a knowledgeable adaptation and then scale it down to a human level. Unfortunately, mythical characters don't take sizing down well. They aren't the sort who sit and ponder, so instead of growing these characters from the ground up, they just make them all wieners.

Ok, I'm being unfair, Priam, Hector and Agamémnon all manage to avoid being wieners. Hardly impressive, especially considering the fact that Achilles, the greatest warrior in Greece is portrayed here as King Of The Wieners. Bitch, moan, mope... No swagger, no inner knowledge of his invulnerability.

And, uh, has anyone noticed that Brad Pitt has a monkey face? I've never noticed it before, but it really is weird and monkey-face shaped. I'm off point, though.

Whether you're telling the myth or not, everyone should perceive Achilles as invulnerable. The audience should see him live through some crap. Here he's not. He's just, well, a hell of a swordsman. So what? Without that inner confidence, he doesn't play as the greatest warrior.

And, I complained plenty about Diane Kruger being a lovely woman, but not having anything close to "The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships". Did they even try? It's not like she has the presence or acting skills to make up. She's merely adequate on all three counts.

But, hey, with some cookin' heat between her and Orlando Bloom, that would've made sense... But, no. No chemistry at all. I found myself feeling more sexual tension between Peter O'Toole and Brad Pitt.

Also, as a final point. I thought the movie was cut down to be "PG-13". It was sadly lacking in the kind of Braveheart-style violence that would have really grounded this and there were many very noticably awkward body placements and cuts to avoid nudity. If this was an "R" anyway, why not have some balls, too.

So, yeah... This is a really bad adaptation of Homer, but it's a pretty crappy bit of nonsense all by itself.

It is, however, just good enough, now and again, that I couldn't help thinking how good a real adaptation might have been...

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