Thursday, March 18, 2004

More Dawn

First off, let me reiterate that this remake would be a movie I'd be shrieking from every rooftop about the coolness of, had it not been saddled with the title of a much, much better movie. Too bad.

Anyway, I'm gonna bitch a little more and this means spoilers. Real spoilers. Serious motherfucking spoilers.


Are we clear?


Ok, hopefully that cleared out those of you not interested in SPOILERS FOR DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004).

Still with me?


In the spirit of being nice to even my stupidest readers who missed that this post contains SPOILERS FOR DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004), I'll start off easy.

Am I the only one who is tired of movie dialogue that may or may not make you snicker but you can tell was written by a guy at a word processor trying to think something up and not an off-the-cuff comment by the character?

"You need to drink a tall glass of 'Shut The Fuck Up'!"

Yeah, James, and you need take a step back and stop trying so hard. Romero's movie had characters. That might've sounded clever in an action movie when Stallone was rockin' it Cobra style, but now it rings like... well, Stallone rockin' it Cobra style. How well do you suppose copies of Cobra rent these days?

Or how about whatever that was with the long list of reasons why "the plan" was stupid with the clever "I'm in." punch-line?

Yeah, that's a fresh piece of fruit. It doesn't make decent people want to open a vein in the theater. Thanks for sharing the witty banter.

But anyway... on to The Big Kahuna.

Remember about the SPOILERS FOR DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)?

Yeah, this is the big boy. Ron Jeremy is unzipping and getting ready to hit you with some more SPOILERS FOR DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004).

I'm serious.


In case you didn't figure this out, I'm about to talk about the ending of the movie.

THE END OF DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004) is about to be discussed right here.

Still here? Cool.

So, what we're discussing here is not so much an ending as it is, well, two endings. Filmmakers merrily attempting to have their cake and eat it, too.

The movie ends. The story that was set up by the story and developed over two hours, such as it was, was finished. They got to the boat and sailed away. Nothing left to say. Not only that, it fades to black and credits start.

But they have to break in - Making the credits difficult to read. Congrats to all the people who worked hard on this film only to be fucked by the editing of the epilogue! - with more.

Why? Well, the real ending - the ending of the story that the movie was telling - was, like the ending of the original, kind of upbeat and hopeful. That couldn't do. We need something dark and dreary.

Now, myself, I go for that. I'm cool.

But this ending is essentially a half-hours worth of story told in little film bliplets by a character with a video camera. We only get flashes of story. With only bliplets, we accept that we're not getting all the information. Something is going on in between these little flashes that would explain the enormous fucking plot-holes created within this little scenario - Why the hell were they running out the gas and not putting up sails sometime before they ran out of gas? These people weren't that stupid in the rest of the movie! Why weren't they ready with guns for zombies on the island? These people weren't that stupid in the rest of the movie! Not that they were geniuses in the movie proper, but they weren't absolutely retarded either!

But filling those absurd plot-holes, which could've been done easily, would've taken thought and more importantly screen time, so it's tacked on as an afterthought.

"Oh, yeah, hey, before you go. Not only did they get away safely, but... ummm... they died, too. Have a nice day."

Fuck you. Pick an ending, any ending. Then execute it properly.

Jesus Christ.

This concludes our SPOILERS FOR DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004). I hope you had as much fun as I did.


Hey, you! Yeah, I see you scrolling up. The message above is for you.

Have fun, kiddios!

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