Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Tomb Raider


Ok, I've avoided it this long, what happened?

I can't say for sure, but I ended up seeing Tomb Raider tonight. That it sucked, should be no surprise. It has a whopping 17% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Anyway, it's rotten! Seriously.

It has the worst hang-wringin'-est villain since, well, since some really bad serial. No, not some mediocre serial that people think are bad now because they kind of suck. The really stinky bad ones that make the mediocre ones look like Citizen Kane. If you're not sure whether you've seen that kind, well, then you haven't... and count yourself lucky... unless, of course, you saw this big stink pile.

Anyway, we follow the opening, which, surprise, turns out to be a training exercise. Wow! What will they think of next?

Pointless shower sequence. The most pointless kind of all. The kind with no visible nudie parts.

Now, somewhere in here, she finds a nutty ass clock and gives it to her gizmo geek to look at. The gizmo geek takes the clock apart piece by piece in what seems to have been a very time consuming project... when he's almost finished, our hero decides to smash it open. This is to demonstrate for the first time that gizmo geek serves absolutely no story function whatever, which, no matter how many times she calls him or sends for him, carries true for the entire film.

Inside the clock is some other device... not necessarily a clock per se. She takes this, not the clock itself, to her old trusted friend Clockenstein of the House Of Clocks to look over.

Clockenstein sends her to a suspicious meeting with Hand-Wringing Bad Guy, who spends the whole meeting with a line of spittle running down his chin at the prospect of getting his hands on her magical eye goodie while he cackles and wrings his hands, supposedly keeping his knowledge and desire safe from Lara's notice. I believe, in the next scene, when she reveals that his clever ruse has failed, we are supposed to be amazed at her power of deduction.

Who knows? This is all just leading up to some hoofendoofery with magical time devices and chemistry-free old flames and lost fathers, none of which has anything to interest anyone. The action is utterly uninvolving and rote. Every moment is predictable and none of the characters is worth a goddamn.

Why do these movies get made?

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