Saturday, November 11, 2006


In science, Absolute Zero is the lowest possible temperature something can reach. It's the temperature at which a substance has no heat whatsoever. Because it is absolute, it's also impossible to achieve. Some heat always leaks toward a substance from somewhere by the very nature of heat.

The same is true of crappy movies. Even the worst movies have something, the one actor who rises above or the one moment that seems drawn from another, decent movie. It's the thing one tends to almost apologize to when one complains about the movie.

Feast may be as close as can be achieved to Absolute Crap. There is very little even resembling merit in it. The moments that could have been apologized to are short and thrown away quickly.

This is the next step worse than movies inspired by video games. This is the movie inspired by the movies that were inspired by video games. This movie is so empty, well, I find myself reaching out for comparisons to physics again.

I found myself more entertained by the running tally I was keeping in my head of all the movies I'd ever hated in my life and whether I hated them more than I hated this. I was unable to come up with a movie that I definitively hated more.

Calling these characters cardboard would be an insult to cardboard characters, the world over. These are the characters that cardboard characters watch and complain about their lack of dimension.

Literally every line in the movie rings not only false but with the sound of the writers crapping themselves as they imagine how clever they are to have put such words in the mouths of a person who will speak in a movie.

I did not laugh once. I wasn't shocked once. I wasn't vaguely amused once. I wasn't compelled once.

Everything that intended to be a shock was telegraphed by obvious dialogue saying why what was about to happen wouldn't happen. In the brief amount of the making of documentary I watched, the filmmakers have the chutzpah to congratulate themselves on this.

I'll go further than saying I can't think of a movie I wouldn't rather watch again rather than review this. I'll say that I'd rather hole up for a night at a bar being attacked by horny, slime-dripping feasting monsters than watch this movie again.

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