Hiding between the lines of the other things I wrote today is the answer to the Look at me question, as I even directly noted in What's wrong with me.
The Viking and north men movie I mentioned below.
Will I... would I ever write that script? Being completely honest with myself and everyone else, not the slightest chance.
If there was a script in place and a budget, etc., would I take the helm making the movie? Well, shit yeah! It would take less than that, a good script and some reason to hope for a budget and I'd be groveling and struggling along with whoever else I could latch onto.
Ultimately that's it. I've seen writers who direct like Woody Allen and Kevin Smith hem and haw over whether they'd be interested in shooting someone else's script and it sounds interesting, but... Well, yeah. If making a movie took a week or a month instead of years, we'd have already seen that experiment by both of them. As it is, we never will. That's just how it goes.
In many ways, Lakeside was a nightmare scenario for my life. There was in-fighting and lack of cohesion and failure and humiliation. Friendships were ended or at least damaged and made awkward. I feel guilt and pain and longing every day over it, yet I wouldn't trade the worst days working on making it for the best days sitting by a computer writing.
I'm not really a writer, as a predominant source of expression or thought, I'm a moviemaker. I need to pursue future goals and opportunities with that in mind. Not to say unwilling to pursue pure writing projects, but not at the expense of time or effort I could spend pursuing what I really want... need out of life.
I think it movies. I dream in movies. I love movies more than anything.
I must do what it takes to rise up to the challenge of being the moviemaker I always say I am.