Friday, February 06, 2009


I got an email in my Spam folder recently informing me that "Women HATE guys with small dicks!"

Now, I understand that if you're trying to sell bullshit penis enlargement that you have to play on men's insecurity about their penis size. It is, in fact, your entire job. Well, not exactly. That's not even the hard part... I mean, just because a dude thinks his cock doesn't live up to expectations, doesn't mean he believes that the mystery substance advertised in an unsolicited email is going to change that.

But this headline fails at even the starting point, because even if I had been sitting in my little corner worrying about whether my manhood was sufficient, I'd almost be comforted by the sheer ludicrousness of this.

It doesn't even attempt "Women hate having sex with guys with small dicks!", which would probably come closer to some point, although admittedly less concisely.

(Conciseness, as you may have guessed, is not my specialty, which is probably why I don't write advertising. Now, if it were 1948 and I was assigned to write one of those 15 paragraph ads that explain how good smoking is for you or something like that, I'd kick ass! Sadly, for my employment future at least, those days have passed.)

But, no, as phrased this suggests that the women I know in non-sexual contexts could be attempting to assess my endowment not as a potential sexual partner, but even on my value as a human being to co-exist alongside. Frankly, I find that entirely implausible. I mean, could be blind to the new Holocaust that's building slowly around me, but then allow me these few last moments of believing in a world that hasn't reached that point just a little while longer...


MC said...

I think the people who wrote the ad a) have small penises and b) are such odious people to begin with that women don't like them.

Confronted with the fact that women don't like them, they naturally blame their small penises.

Of course, that still doesn't bode well for the product they are advertising.

Neil Sarver said...

I think that seems very likely indeed.

r_sail said...

All I know is listening to this post was hilarious. Hearing that garbled pre spoken words talk about cocks and what not was awesome!!!

But then, I'm easily amused.

Neil Sarver said...

Yes, I'm quite enjoying this bizarre and silly feature (that I stole from Bill Cunningham.

Partly because I always vaguely imagine my posts as being spoken anyway, and partly because I don't imagine them being spoken like that. It's interesting and somewhat edifying.

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