I haven't blogged in over a month.
I really have been meaning to.
I'm just working full time. Kimberly Rae is taking care of Conan full time.
When I get home I spend a lot of time with both of them, trying to get in all I can with them, not to mention, when I can, giving Kim at least a little bit of a break.
So, a lot of things are falling by the wayside at the moment. Just explaining, mind you, not apologizing.
Often, when I note these changes going on, Kim takes it as a complaint. I hope not for anything in my tone. I don't think so. I think it's just the cultural stereotype of the man resenting his new life as spouse and father and the responsibility that comes with it.
I can see where that comes from. It's an awful lot of responsibility and work. If I were younger or with someone I wasn't thrilled to spend my days with, this could seem like only work. I'm sure that's the reason that some people started that cultural stereotype.
But I'm feeling none of it. I have more than a little impression of what I'd have otherwise in my life, and I'm thrilled to go through the work with Kim and Conan to make our life what we want it to be.
And going about taking stock of my life and my future. I know I need to put some greater effort into determining what I want to do with my life and doing it. I've spent a great deal of my life
I've written Me moviemaker, and I've not changed that conclusion one bit.
In fact when I read about the job of screenwriting, including following professional screenwriters such as Sean Hood at Genre Hacks or William C. Martell at Sex In A Submarine, I find myself more confident that screenwriting is not a job I would enjoy or likely be very good at.
It occurs to me that one of the things that has been holding me back from pursuing my moviemaking future was my guilt about getting Lakeside completed. However, I think that in itself has in many ways only kept it in limbo longer and made it a more enduring piece of superstition building. When I think it over carefully, it occurs to me that if I had grabbed the bull by the horns and moved on to another project since that collapse of "Lakeside", I'd have probably have built the kind of network and resources I need to get "Lakeside" finished, while sitting around feeling guilty has merely left it in pieces in my closet.
I have two things I'm pondering. Both were kind of hinted at in Die, random notes, die!
The one is a kind of fake retro DIY sci-fi independent serial project that I have to confess is exactly the kind of thing I'd sneer at if someone was trying to talk me into watching. It's also, and my ego hates writing this, something I'm not sure I feel able to write on my own. Not the individual points, but I want it to feel like a collaborative effort, and I don't feel like a strong enough writer to do that on my own so I expect to hold off until a day when maybe I'll have a community around me that can create it with me as a collective.
I also mentioned that someone should start a studio dedicated to making adaptations of the kinds of Men's Adventure Novels reviewed at Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot, Glorious Trash along with what must certainly be many other places on this great big Internet.
Yeah, I can't imagine I'll have the resources to buy rights to even whichever would be the cheapest of these or start a production company.
(Although I'm overflowing with different ways to handle it. Kind of a version of The Asylum for action movies instead of horror or sci-fi, although not without differences either.)
However that doesn't mean I can't start by writing up something of my own that fits some of the beats that I find most appealing about reading those novels - and perhaps even more from reading about them - and seeing where I can go with it.
As part of my life re-assessment, though, those are probably my big pushes.
Perhaps I'll be too enamored of another idea of mine to break this, but right now I'd like to make a serious push of those two ideas, do as best I can at making them happen and succeed as best I'm able, and, if they don't go anywhere, let go of that dream.
Not to resignation to a work-a-day living, but maybe I really will pursue writing prose, short stories and novels. I may even look at those concurrent to the other push. It may seem odd, while restating that I'm a moviemaker, but it really does make sense to me.
As to blogging... It's a funny thing, right now it doesn't seem important.
It's hard, because I haven't been getting much opportunity to watch movies. It's hard with my current work schedule to get books read.
I do listen to music, but I have trouble finding the time putting it together in my head to write up.
I've been listening to a lot of Black Sabbath. Some part of me would like to do something like my earlier Van Halen analysis. I promise my Ozzy Osbourne/Ronnie James Dio/Ian Gillan/Glenn Hughes/Tony Martin analysis would come out much more interesting than my Van Halen thoughts which, hard as I tried, still added up to Dave rocks and Sammy sucks! Oh, yeah, and Gary Cherone is a fucking douche, but, y'know, duh!
In fact, in my mind, I'd start my writings on the underrated Born Again featuring Ian Gillan, which I think may be the only Black Sabbath "reunion" I'd actually be interested in seeing.
So, this ol' bleedin' tree ain't dead, at least not in my head.
But I've gotta say, it's probably pretty paralyzed.
I've said before, I'm sure including here, that I've ultimately not gotten to feeling like I'm good enough at this kind of writing... or driven enough to get good enough... to justify it as anything more than a casual pursuit, and my casual pursuit time is down.
Most of the time if I'm not with Kim and Conan, I'd rather try to get a movie in or read a couple of chapters of a book or catch up on some of the blogs I read... or try to.
I tried on Friday to watch the Hammer Films version of She on Turner Classic Movies. Of course it didn't work entirely, although it is a magnificently beautiful movie. It's nice even to look up and see bits and pieces of.
And I did finally finish The Italian Connection, so life is pretty good!
(So was the movie, by the way.)
Not to mention... Tiki!