Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Time, joy and decisions

So, Conan turned one on Monday. The future rushes forth, doesn't it?

I'm having another one of those creative crises.

Yeah, I don't know why I always feel the need to go over every detail of them in public either. Somehow it just makes sense to me.

I've been working on a novel version of the much (over-)discussed Gaunt Land. I had a variety of fantasies about possible success stories for it. Most of them relatively modest.

Heck, I liked the one where I could get a part time job at a cool store or something of the nature and the writing augmented the rest of the income we need and I had plenty of time to spend with Conan and plenty to write. I'm not claiming it's especially realistic, but it makes sense inside my head.

All writing costs is my time and effort.

I don't like it, though, I think.

Oh, I like reading fiction. I love the way stories unfold in novels.

But I like it in part because it is, um, novel. It's not how I think.

So then I started dipping my toes into checking out Star Trek: Phase II, the web series. I expect/hope I'll write more about that here when I've finished watching the episodes that were available.

For now, I will give you that I'm enjoying it, and I'm excited... again... by the idea of doing a web series. I don't know how to explain it better, but it feels like what all of my creative energy has led to.

I won't go into too much detail on that, but there was project that I worked on for much of the '90s called "Steel Embryo", which was a cyberpunk story or setting or whatever it was... ultimately nothing. The only thing it ever felt right to be was a TV series.

A kind of TV series that probably couldn't have been made at all at that time, and I, of course, was no one to pitch a series of any kind, and certainly not a series that was nothing much like any series on at the time.

No, there's nothing in the ideas that are much worth re-developing or exploring in a world in this post-Matrix world, at least not without looking derivative... or more derivative than I'm willing to look.

I'm genuinely torn, though.

First of all, I made a commitment to myself to go in the new direction and see where it took me. I feel in many ways like going back to that is copping out on that.

On the other hand, Me moviemaker.

In at least as basic a sense, I was copping out on that truth and various commitments I've made, including (or especially) to myself.

So, I come to an impasse on which commitments I should honor, and how I can get myself strapped down and complete what I begin. That's a lesson I have to teach myself, because somehow I never got it, and one I want to be able to pass along to Conan.

I think this attempt has taught me that "Gaunt Land" is a audio-visual story for me, and the rhythms of its telling don't work in trying to write as prose.

But I'm seriously hesitant to leap back in the direction of moviemaking. It sounds like a generally foolish use of this time I've been given to create something. Independent moviemaking is... well, expensive. The potential for it to be a revenue source for my family is nil, even as a pipe dream.

So I really should hold that dream for another day when things make more sense.

But the draw is undeniable.

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