Friday, July 27, 2012

Fuck your fucking origin!


Yeah, of course I'm not going to be discussing Darwin today on this blog. I know, I'm only confusing things with a picture that suggests I might. I'm sorry.

This is the post I promised with from Man tease, regarding Zack Snyder and what's suggested by the trailer for the upcoming Man of Steel

I should have jumped right in with something like this dumb fucking thing. The kind of thing that made people think that every goddamn continuing hero has an "origin" and that this "origin" is important to know.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to blame this shit on Stan Lee. He's guilty of enough. He's a symptom here.

Back in the day, origins weren't a big deal.

Look at The Goddamn Batman. The Goddamn Batman, ferrchrissake! His origins got to be important, right? Look at Batman: Year One and Batman Begins, that's all really important shit, right?

Well... Let's look back.

Batman came out in the summer of 1989. It made an assload of money and made everyone scream and shout about how they've always loved The Goddamn Batman and seeing this crazed ass movie was their lifelong dream. The dream of their life lived in a house free of comic magazines.

Ah, but you say the fucking origin of The Goddamn Batman is in there. Not to mention, the origin of The Cocksuckin' Joker.

Yeah, it blows through that shit pretty fast, but it was enough to say it was there, and if you're the kind of person who think you're too fucking dumb to understand The Goddamn Batman and The Cocksuckin' Joker without being taken back to their ever so humble beginnings, you could point and say, "Look, ma, the nice moviemaking fuckers explained it all to me, and now I'm all safe and warm and ok. Life is peachy."

Ok, so how about Batman from 1966, or Batman, the television program from which it was spawned? That's a nice start. They were doing a hardcore push to sell what was a that time a modestly selling comic book to an enormous TV audience. Surely with the hopes that every dumb fuck at home with a TV tuning in, they must've made all of that really clear. Who is The Goddamn Batman and The Asslickin' Riddler and whatever else might have seemed important?

Yeah, there's a very fleeting reference to The Goddamn Batman's parents and not a suggestion of The Asslickin' Riddler's origin. In fact, I don't think any of the members of The Goddamn Batman's comic book rogues gallery gets even a hint at an origin in three seasons of television or the feature film.

Ok, but all of those millions of dumb fucks sitting watching "Batman" had to have an idea from the comics having been around for thirty years before? Well, no, but how about this? Thieving Shitstain Bob Kane and Bill Finger created The Goddamn Batman in Detective Comics #27. The pair wouldn't reveal his origin until Detective Comics #33.

And, no, it wasn't a big mystery they were building to. They just assumed everybody could keep up if they left some little bits in there. You know, "dude dresses up like big goddamn bat and fights crime". Why? Ummm... 'cos it's fucking awesome, dipshit! It's a goddamn comic book, not the fucking neighbor! Shut up and smell the awesomeness for a minute of your pathetic life and stop wondering about shit that may not matter!

Ok, now that you're done soaking up the parfum de l'homme chauve-souris, as it were, it turns out it does matter.

Not really for decades, though. It was actually rarely mentioned through the Golden Age and Silver Age, and then only to twist it around or do something wacky to it. It was never some device to define what a brooding figure The Goddamn Batman's alter ego Bruce fuckin' Wayne was until after the TV show and Batmania and all of that.

The amazing Batman: The Animated Series leaves it until the third episode, Nothing to Fear, which only refers to it, not retells it.

You know how I learned the origin of The Incredible Motherfuckin' Hulk?



I don't think I read a reprint of The Incredible Hulk #1 or get to see the series pilot for years after seeing that.

Was anyone confused by that?

Did any person in the whole goddamn world need it explained more than that?

'cos I was fuckin' six and that made plenty of motherfuckin' sense to me!

The fact is, most origins aren't even a very good story. Scan over a few, put your story analysis brain around it and tell me.

Most origins were told in 5-7 pages, 22 at best. There were other stories to put in those comics, dude, and the origin was taking up space. It was a fucking novelty! There was a story about our hero doing something to fight some crime or do some other awesomeness in the goddamn here and now and no one wanted to spend more time than they had to on some bullshit.

Now, some fuckin' dumbasses think that we need to see the origin of Sumbitchin' Spider-Man every ten years. Amazing Fantasy #15 covered the origin of Sumbitchin' Spider-Man in 10 pages and still got "The Bell Ringer!", "Man in the Mummy Case!" and "There Are Martians Among Us!" for that twelve cent over price.

Yeah, it's a "reboot"... except not really...

Except who cares?

When Batman Begins "rebooted" the Goddamn Batman movies or Casino Royale "rebooted" the James Bond movies, there was baggage from many preceding movies to be dropped off and perhaps left behind for a new time.

But even then... even when it's understandable and forgivable to suggest the idea of a "reboot", they still don't simply retell one of the other stories.

You want to know one of the secrets of why "Batman: Year One" and Batman Begins are good "exceptions" to the origin rule?

Because neither is really the origin story!

Yeah, both touch on it. Both have a story early on that can bounce off the walls of the origin.

But both have their own story to tell.

The novel Casino Royale has even less origin than the movie does. People in 1953 were expected to pick up what was needed as they went along!

People now are expected to be too fucking stupid to keep up!

And maybe we fucking are, but maybe we should shape the fuck up and do better. Maybe we should expect more from ourselves and the stories we ingest!

Right now our stories insist we're goddamn morons. Are we just taking that lying down?


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