Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Rebel without a plan

So, Robert Rodriguez is involved in this new El Mariachi-inspired contest for Rebel Without a Crew - The Series. My wife, Kimberly Rae, suggested I try for it.

At this point in my life, I've got to say the "the series" part was the first thing that made me think this isn't for me at this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure it was never for me, and now I'm just self-aware enough to know that it's not.

Now, there were a number of thick-heads trying to argue whether the $7000 was valid because of inflation or because of arguments regarding what other money that was spent on the final El Mariachi product. These might all be valid points if this weren't a contest and the rules just what they are. It's not a grant or anything that would have any reason to use any sense of what is "fair" or sensible like that. In fact, the arbitrariness is part of the point.

It happens, weirdly, this appeared in my life shortly after I'd already had really low-budget moviemaking in mind already. I had done a short poll of some friends and made this list of Low budget movies to watch or revisit soon in order to have that in mind.

So, with Kim's encouragement, some feeling that I should take a chance on some possible option for forward momentum in that too often neglected aspect of my life and some bit of ego, I decided I'd fill out the application, lock myself away and finish a workable ultra-low budget "Gaunt Land" script and see what happens.

I was going through the ponderous questionnaire full of the kind of insipid questions they ask to find out how good a reality TV contestant I might be, and rethinking the whole thing, but psyching myself on, when I skipped to the end and found you need to submit a short movie or a "sizzle reel". For fuck's sake.

If there's any low budget moviemaker on the planet who has no valid excuse to not have an amazing "sizzle reel", it's me. Seriously.

My excuse is merely that I'm an obscene failure perhaps should never have begun.

The fact that I have the makings of it, but not quite the resources to get them into any order, is a shame that seems to big for me to overcome at this point. A shame that overwhelms my ability to get over it. The ultimate stumbling block.

But not focusing on that for a moment, I recognize that I still need to lock myself away and finish that low budget "Gaunt Land" script and see what happens at the other end. Hopefully it can be the rising tide that raises all boats, if only by re-instilling me with something like confidence.

So, if you're looking around for me soon and can't find me, hopefully I'm living up to something and not just aimlessly hiding away from the world.

I won't know until I come out the other side.

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